White picket fence, and all that jazz...

Sure there are certain individuals who’d love the opportunity to open their front door first thing in the morning, walk down the paved walkway picking up the paper whilst shouting to the neighbour, “Lovely weather we’re having George, isn’t it”. (The latter being an American version, the South African version would entail us first putting on a bulletproof vest, letting loose the five Pitbulls and three Rottweiler’s, deactivating your house-alarm and finally kissing your family goodbye before even leaving the safety of your house - This of course being the scenario if all the South African media these days is to be believed. All in all a very good way in ensuring you, to quote Kellogs, got it all this morning. Which brings me to my somewhat forgotten point. (I knew I had one somewhere).

And may I add, HA! Got you with the misleading heading didn’t I. 

Aforementioned attests to the resilience of individuals staying in SA, so I thought we could have a look at the daily trials we as true blooded South Africans go through and see the lighter side of things – this also serves as a serious list for any foreigner deciding to stay in South Africa

1.     Morning excursions to work:

•  Be sure to make a shopping list before leaving home, you never know when you may need a disco ball, black rubbish bags, Super-rugby shirt, car chargers, fuzzy dice and the like – all conveniently available at any traffic light near you.
•  Shopping list complete, make sure to tuck it deep into your pockets and not your wallet, the latter has a mysterious way of disappearing.
• As a side note, thorough stretching is highly advisable, for reasons we’ll get to later.

2.     Getting to work:

• By now you would’ve cursed four taxi drivers, two idiots from Gauteng (no offense guys, illustrative purposes only <cough>) and five scooters zipping past your sensible light-on-fuel sedan in the morning traffic, making you contemplate alternative modes of transport you could use. Unfortunately the bus services are on strike, the trains are delayed with three weeks due to cable theft and the only substitute is the taxi driver you wanted to kill five minutes ago.
• Chill, relax, and if all else fails take up smoking. (Taking a nip out of a nondescript brown paper bag usually gets you a couple of frowns so this is not advisable unless in dire need)

3.     Parking in the city centre

• If by now you’ve made it safely to your destination, managing not to murder anybody in the process (and not being murdered yourself for that matter), give yourself a well-deserved high five, well done sir/madam, well done.
• Now for the tricky bit. If, like me, you’re one of the unlucky sods who will never be a manager and therefore don’t have a designated parking space, the stretching mentioned above should come in handy right about now. (To quote the movie Zombieland – “Limber Up”)
• Not only do we have a long walk ahead of us, we should also be looking out for that proudly South African creation, the car guard (politically correct term: Parking Attendant)
•  Be vigilant, they could be anywhere. Once spotted, eye contact should be avoided at all costs. Diversion tactics should be employed here, anybody with a girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife should be fully knowledgeable and no further descriptions should be needed, right?
•  Useful hint #1: Keep a number of five cent coins in your pocket. If unintended contact was made, empty pockets of all coins. And run (Eye of the Tiger on your mobile phone playing in the background).

4.     Making your way towards your place of  work

• Useful hint #2: If you’ve forgotten what it is to be a South African, it’s hot, mostly all of the time. Therefore, after your earlier run a handkerchief is advised for those prone to perspiration.
• Useful hint #3: Quoting Robin Williams imitating Mike Tyson, “I’m on Zyloft, so I don’t kill you motherfuckers” Dead right, so, Zoloft or Prozac, your best friends when dealing with a typical South African boss and co-workers without the need to consult your nearest sangoma.
• This being South Africa with corporate policy, theft and such you’ll likely have an access card to get into your workplace.

You’ve forgotten your access card in your car or at home trying to remember all the above, haven’t you? As your washing machine would so all-knowingly say, rinse and repeat.

And so ends the first part of the inaccurately called ‘White Picket fence, and all that jazz’. Stay tuned for the next more accurately entitled, ‘Surviving South Africa: Part Two’